Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Routine Scab

Something has changed recently. I think maybe it's because of Henry's recent episode, which we've deduced with the oncologist, was probably a seizure. Less threatening, but no less frightening. He may have them again but they are likely benign. A relief.

But something is different. I think that seizure out of the blue has removed the scab that routine had grown back over this wound. We're openly bleeding again and it's painful. Every action I take right now is weighted with the perspective of what's to come and I wonder what life will be like in the coming year. When Henry looks at me, I try to drink in his eyes. My stomach twists in knots. I try on a smile, to forget, to get wrapped up in the kids activities again, but the weight is heavy.

I try to recall my own words and thoughts and perspective of just a few weeks ago. Focusing on the moment here and now - there's plenty of time to grieve later. But the elephant is standing in the middle of the room and it's difficult to see around.

I worry for Tara, I worry for the girls. Will I be what they need during this time?

This morning I was lying in bed next to Henry. We were just trying to wake up a bit. It was early. I just reached up to touch his arm.


"Dad?"

"Yes, Henry?"

"That's why it's good that we're nearby."

"Why's that Henry?"

"Because that way we can touch each other. That's why it's good to be nearby."

"Yes, it is Henry."

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes, Bryan, you will be exactly what they need, and they will be exactly what you need. Cling together.

Nancy in NC

Anonymous said...

I'm in tears here... Henry is so wise beyond his years!!!!

And I agree with Nancy -- you already are EVERYTHING they need & then some. Ditto them to you. You are all SO BLESSED.

I'm so very proud of all of you.

Gwen

Jane said...

Bryan,

There is no measure of success and failure in going through this "hell on earth".

As a father, husband, soccer coach, neighbor and son-in-law, you are the epitome of gentleness, consideration, responsiveness, creativity, playfulness, responsibility and love.

What more could Henry, Tara, Sophie or Anna hope for?

Just be you.

Love, Granya

Anonymous said...

Wow - As a mom it kills me to read this, but also makes me realize Henry knows... he will always be nearby... deep inside the heart of each person he has touched... Henry spoke so eloquently of the things we have such difficulty with - The permanance of unconditional love... he will always touch you, and me and all off us, and always be near by.... Kathy Fiddler - We love you and pray for you daily.....

Anonymous said...

Wow, Henry is so wise and you are so strong Bryan. You have me in tears as I can not imagine what you are dealing with. You are exactly what Tara and your girls will need thru all of this and you
will need them just as much. You are all lucky to be part of such a wonderful family!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!

Cousin Susan H.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bryan,
I was getting ready for work early this morning and I was thinking about you and your family. At that very moment I said a small prayer asking for God to be graceful and gentle to your family.(I am guessing it might have been the same time that things were stirring in your house.) I think small children like Henry are angels and somehow they know just how to comfort us when we start to doubt ourselves. You have shown so much strength and gentleness to Tara and the girls, it will always be there. It is a natural gift you have. You have inspired all of us with your honest and sensitive updates on Henry. I am so grateful for them. Remember we are all here for you and you can lean on all of us at any time. Our prayers are with all of you.
Love,
Gina Householder and family

Anonymous said...

God Bless all of you. We pray for your family each and every day and think of you constantly. We cannot imagine what you face each day but hope that our prayers help you to do so.

Anonymous said...

We are sending your family lots of hugs. We know how you feel. Every change rips that scab off that had built up to help you get through each day. Trust in yourselves. You have strength that you never knew you had inside of you. Tara and you are exactly what Henry and the girls need.

Our children say the wisest and deepest things. It is obvious from that conversation you had with Henry that he feels safe and loved. That is the best gift you can give him.

Love to all of you,
Wayne, Shirley, Sophia, and Fiona

Anonymous said...

Byran, So many are out here praying for gods love and strenght for you. We all carry your burden with the utmost sympathy! I am daily praying for your family and Henry. I believe that Henry knows Christ from all you have shared; with that I know he will be blessed so much more than any of us will even be able to understand or imagine! Celebrate every day as a blessing and know it is alright to be human. Numb,mad,hurt,fearful,sad,angry and happy. God Bless You All! Your Cheerlearder From FBC Knoxville Md. Doris

Anonymous said...

Bryan,
When I read Henry's words I was brought to tears. It reminded me so much of the Tao of Pooh, a book I have always read in difficult times. He has a wise soul.
You are in my thoughts and payers.
-Lakshmi

Beth Smith said...

Bryan and family I was just checking in on you guys I think of you all often praying your having a good day...and making lots and lots of memories as I think we should all be doing that, love beth