Confusion

The time since Henry died has been many things. It's been free from cancer. There have been moments of great joy and moments of deeper sadness than I've ever experienced. We've been touched by the generous acts of love and support of community reaching far and wide as well as back into times of our past and have gotten a glimpse of the community that will take us into our future.

But it's also been completely disorienting. For the last decade Tara and I have been parents of small children. We'll be the first to admit we're not the most adept parents of little ones, but we enjoy it and have grown to appreciate the chaos and unpredictability they bring. Acceptance. They force you to be open to whatever experience the moments bring. Spilled milk, a funny face, tears one minute, laughter the next.

Henry was four, but still needed the kind of attention a younger child requires. Taking him to the bathroom, for example, was something he did for himself only very rarely. Simple jobs required attention and coaching. This was our way though. Our interaction became oriented around these jobs, these duties. These were the motions of our days.

Suddenly now, our youngest is almost 8. Overnight we've gone from attentive care to near independence. And while its something that parents long for when you're in the midst of the responsibilities of child rearing, you graduate out of it gently and come to appreciate the difference.

Sometimes now, I know I have so many things to do, many of them feel hollow and pointless. I can't keep thoughts in my head and have difficulty managing priorities. Small things overwhelm me and feel oppressive. I'm frozen by simple decisions and when I can finally decide I'm emotionally exhausted and often feel like I'm disappointing the people depending on me. My consciousness seems clouded by a thick fog and the effect is almost constant confusion.

This morning has given me a moment of clarity and with it the chance to think about things a bit more thoughtfully. Is this part of grief? Am I just tired? Am I still just looking for my balance? I'm sure this will pass but for now it's frustrating. The days are beautiful, school's almost out, and spring activities are almost over but life seems to be moving at light speed and I feel like I'm crawling with confusion.