Friday, April 10, 2009

Sometimes There Aren't Words

I feel different after Henry died. Sometimes I can't put thoughts together. I feel like doing something and before I can get myself up to do it I've lost the motivation. Not always, but sometimes. I've tried to be very accepting of these moods, I see them come and go like the weather. It helps when I can explain them, but sometimes there are just no words.

Sometimes I just feel like there's nothing left emotionally. I'm all cashed in, spent it all and starting over from scratch - emotionally poor. Sometimes the weight of things, the finality isn't really apparent. Like maybe we can find a satisfactory explanation of things, a revelation, and then things will make sense or be better. After six weeks of missing Henry, it's becoming more and more apparent that there are just no explanations, no resolutions, and trying to grasp at them is futile. Then there's just sadness and tears with no purpose but release.

It builds up sometimes and other times it is sudden. Sometimes it creeps upon me slowly and imperceptibly. I can feel it coming and there's no immediate reason for it. It's very physical the way it builds up, like a need - and then the crying, the release. It's become one of the only things left that can relieve the pressure for a time.

Sometimes it surprises me and is sudden. Being in a place where a forgotten memory surfaces and is pushed into my face. I'm reminded of a tender moment of being with him and it is painful. I'm troubled by the association of pain with his memory. I do wish it wasn't that way. I want to look at pictures of him and recollect how we were with fondness, not in such a longing way. Perhaps its too early. Yes, I think I just need to wait it out. Like a storm. This too will pass. But I miss my boy.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bryan,
You, Tara and the girls will shed tears for many years for Henry. That is OK and expected...just remember, Henry would never want you to be sad, just to remember fun times and smile for him.
He was a sweet boy.

Cousins Susan H.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading and following your lives through this blog for many months. I am so amazed and deeply touched by your ability and willingness to share your emotions. You say what many imagine and yet, can't imagine. I think that your sharing connects us all. Although there is nothing that will make it all better, putting your emotions into words is such a healthy thing for you and for us as human beings who care. Blessings and prayers to you and your family for such courage.

Anonymous said...

Bryan, thx for sharing with us. Six weeks is such a short time, although it feels like Henry has been gone forever.
Take time to take care of yourself.
nk

Carol Herrmann said...

Bryan and Tara,

My heart breaks for you. My beautiful 14 year old daughter Caroline passed away in December(www.caringbridge.org/visit/carolineh). She was diagnosed with a GBM and also treated at Hopkins. You don't remember us I am sure, but on the day that Henry had his original surgery, Caroline was also having surgery to have her port put in - we were sitting in the waiting area outside of the PICU by the elevators. I remember your devastation, your concern over where Henry's paci was, and I remember him being wheeled out of surgery - but we were speechless and numb with our own grief, and I couldn't reach out to you.

I just wanted to reach out to you now, to tell you how very sorry I am that this horrific disease snatched your beautiful little Henry. I am sorry for your sadness, and I completely understand.

With hope and prayers,

Carol Herrmann

Kathy said...

My 4-year old niece died in 1996. May 1st will be her 18th birthday.

It's not my child, so it's not the same.

Grief never ends, but it evolves. Your grief is brand new, there hasn't even been time to form a scab yet, let alone scar tissue.

I will keep your family in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Bryan,
My heart is so heavy for you and the grief you must endure. I wish there were words that could make you move ahead to the time where you will be able to look at Henry's pictures and smile. While there will always be a sadness within you for the loss of your son, you will reach a time where you can smile at his memory too. We are always here thinking of you and praying for you.
Kara

abigail said...

Dear mr. Bryan,
I mentioned in my speech(essay) about Henry you have to be optimistic to get up every morning. You can do it!!!

Love,
Abby B. (kathy's daughter)

Justin said...

I just wanted you to know that we were praying for you today. I am sure Easter wasn't easy, but I hope it was filled with wonderful memories anyway!

Anonymous said...

Dear Bryan and Tara,
I was thinking a lot about you two and your family yesterday, on Easter. This was probably the first major holiday without Henry. The loss is still very fresh and please remember we are all here for you and your family. I pray things will get better, it will take a lot of time. Hopefully a lot of the happy memories will help. Take care we will see you soon. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Love,
Gina,Craig,Carinna,and Corey

BETH SMITH said...

Just sitting here at work and little Henry crept into my thoughts what a sweet little boy...I think of you guys often, I pray God is holding you all right now..I know he is missed, I just pray for peace for allof you..You know we will never understand God's way but just try and trust cause he does have a plan..love you all Beth

Anonymous said...

God bless you and your family. I have 2 girls and can't even fathom what you must be going through. He was a wonderful boy and you have a wonderful family. Thank you for sharing - as hard as it may be - it is a reality check for the rest of us.

God bless

Anonymous said...

My little boy is the same age as Henry and they would have attended school together in the fall. It breaks my heart to read this. I wish you peace as you move forward without him physically with you. Enjoy your memories as difficult as they may be! And remember, one day, I do believe you will be together again.

Anonymous said...

We understand. It comes and goes. It sneaks up on you. Some days you feel lost. Sometimes you want so badly to wake up and find that this was all some crazy nightmare.

You are right, it is early. I wish I could tell you when it will pass, but I can tell you that Henry will live on in your hearts forever. Your love will last forever.

We think of you guys often.

Sending your entire family tons of love,
Wayne, Shirley, Fiona, and Angel Sophia