Friday, August 22, 2008

A Bad Dream?

Henry had an appointment at clinic the other day. Perhaps it's because we're in our routine finally, or perhaps it's because we're just busy - it felt more like a regular old doctor's visit than a haul to the oncology clinic. Henry's blood work looks great. This was the first time in recent memory that his counts were (mostly) rising into a closer-to-normal range.

Our primary issues right now are how long to leave his catheter in his chest and the consideration of when he can return to a daycare environment. These are clearly uptown concerns. While our anxiety about relapse will itself undoubtedly recur as November approaches, right now we're trying to get about our daily lives in a 'normal' way. So we're looking at early to mid October to remove his catheter. We're told that soon we'll be able to consider getting him back to school with the stipulation that we'll have to be extra wary of flu season as his immune system is more like an infant's right now. Exciting big steps toward normal.

Last night I was headed to bed and went in to check on him. Our big boy is sleeping without a beeble (pacifier) now that he's turned four. ("I do a good job of sleeping without my beeble now don't I?") There are baby lengths of hair on his head again (except for an area in the back where he received the greatest radiation) and he's sleeping through the night and eating like a champ again.

The balance between not forgetting what's happened and trying to forget what has happened is a strange one. To think of it constantly is insanity and debilitating, to forget it completely, I feel, is hubris - like we're not being careful and we'd be asking for its return by not keeping it in mind. Can we really hope that this is it? Could we really be done with cancer? Could this all have been a bad dream? For some reason, it feels more dangerous than hopeful to think so.


Granya said...


Considering where you have been and what you (we) have all been through, this is the most perfect
problem to have.

CONGRATULATIONS Henry for being BEEBLE-less.

Love and smiles, Granya

Ami Czorapinski said...

All of us cancer parents are walking in your same shoes. It's a world you don't ever want to enter and then when you get there you are forever changed and can never return the the world you once had. I love how you are trying to find your new "normal." That's all any of us can do.

Great job Henry for sleeping with out the beeble. You're such a big boy now!

Anonymous said...

Big step in sleeping with out beeble. Cody gave his up FINALLY on his 4th birthday also. BIG STEP for them.

I know you live in fear of that ugly cancer returning but time will hopefully decrease that uneasy feeling. You all have been so very strong thru all of this, esp. Henry and your girls.

Thanks for keeping the blog updated. Love to read about what is going on with you all.

Cousin Susan H.

drivebymedia said...

i am still getting links from your site to mine and each time I do I go and check on henry's progress. prayers and thoughts continue to go with you. we have a friend who has cancer and will soon be getting tested to see how well her treatment went. we too are hoping that the cancer is gone. yes continue to hope!